Have you ever experienced the intensity of grief?
I became an orphan at 17 in the UK.
Today would have been my dad’s 82nd birthday, but he only got to see 45 of them.

[Table of Content]

The Masks We Wear to Survive

Already at 17, I had learned how to wear the “I can handle this” mask, as my mum had passed from cancer when I was 13.
So I continued to wear that mask long into adulthood.
I learned many other masks too:
  • The “I’m fine” one.
  • The “I’ll figure it out” one.

  • The “I don’t need anyone’s help” one.

  • The “everything is under control” one.

But behind each carefully crafted mask?
A 17-year-old girl, breaking inside.
Lost.
Hurt.
Terrified.
So scared that speaking my truth felt dangerous—no longer having that safety net of a once loving family.

When Grief Makes Us Vulnerable

What I didn’t understand then—what took me decades to realise—was how these masks didn’t just hide my pain. They created the perfect conditions for manipulation.
When we’re focused on maintaining appearances, on seeming “okay” to the outside world, we often ignore our own internal warning systems. We bury our intuition beneath layers of performance.
I became so worried about how I looked on the outside that I ignored and buried my own feelings and needs. This created a dangerous pattern:

  • People-pleasing became my default setting—saying yes when every cell in my body wanted to say no

  • I ignored red flags in relationships—dismissing my gut feelings as “overreactions”

  • I believed everyone had good intentions—because my parents hadn’t lived long enough to teach me about manipulation and lies

In the absence of protective guidance, I assumed everyone was good and cared about me. I hadn’t yet learned that some people specifically target those wearing masks of strength—they see the vulnerability hiding underneath.

The Cancer Wake-Up Call

It wasn’t until I faced my own mortality—diagnosed with cancer for the first time—that the masks began to crack.
There’s something about sitting in a hospital room, facing the same disease that took your mother, that makes pretence suddenly seem pointless.
My awakening wasn’t dramatic or instant. It was gradual—a slow realisation that the energy spent maintaining these masks was draining my ability to heal.
The very coping mechanisms that had once protected me were now causing harm.

How Grief Creates Vulnerabilities to Emotional Manipulation

Research shows that unresolved grief creates specific vulnerabilities that manipulative people can exploit:
  1. Heightened need for connection – When we’ve experienced profound loss, our need for belonging intensifies, sometimes leading us to accept relationships that aren’t healthy
  2. Unstable boundaries – Grief can disrupt our sense of self, making it harder to recognize when our boundaries are being crossed
  3. People-pleasing tendencies – The fear of further loss can drive us to excessive accommodation of others, even at our own expense
  4. Emotional exhaustion – Maintaining masks depletes our emotional resources, leaving less energy for critical thinking when red flags appear
This isn’t just theory for me—it was my lived reality. Without parents to guide me through the complex world of human relationships, I became an unwitting target.

Finding Authentic Strength

Real strength isn’t always about what we show others; it’s about facing and letting go of our deepest fears. Today, at 53, I see strength differently. It’s not in the masks we wear. It’s in the courage to let them fall. One of the most powerful grief processing techniques I learned was counterintuitive: to think about my parents and allow the tears to flow until they naturally stopped, without judging myself for crying.
This simple practice—honouring grief rather than hiding it—began to shift something fundamental in how I related to myself and others:
  • I started recognising when I was slipping into people-pleasing mode
  • I began to trust my intuition about people and situations

  • I learned that vulnerability, properly placed, is actually a form of power

The irony is that the masks I thought were protecting me were actually making me more vulnerable to manipulation. By pretending to be invulnerable, I had become easier to exploit.

How Unprocessed Grief Impacts Our Relationships

Grief doesn’t just affect how we feel—it fundamentally alters how we connect with others.
When we’re carrying unprocessed grief, we often:

  • Seek validation externally rather than trusting our own perceptions

  • Tolerate disrespect because we fear abandonment

  • Miss manipulation tactics because we’re focused on maintaining our own facade

  • Struggle to identify our own needs after years of suppressing them

  • Accept love that mirrors our internal chaos rather than our worth

Each of these patterns creates openings for manipulative people to exert control. They recognise the unhealed wounds beneath our carefully constructed masks and know exactly how to exploit them.
My own journey through toxic relationships wasn’t random bad luck—it was a direct extension of grief I hadn’t fully processed and the coping mechanisms I’d developed to survive.

The Path Forward: From Masks to Authentic Power

If you recognise yourself in any part of this story—if you’ve worn masks to hide your grief or found yourself vulnerable to manipulation—please know this:
The masks that once protected you may now be limiting your ability to recognise your own strength. True power comes not from perfecting your performance but from embracing your authentic experience—messy emotions and all.
Here are some first steps toward removing the masks:
  1. Acknowledge the protection they once provided – These coping mechanisms served a purpose. Thank them for helping you survive difficult times.
  2. Practice small moments of authenticity – You don’t need to remove all masks at once. Start in safe spaces with people you trust.
  3. Learn to recognise manipulation tactics – Education is power. Understanding the strategies manipulators use can help you identify when someone is targeting your vulnerabilities.
  4. Build a supportive community – Surround yourself with people who appreciate your authentic self, not just your performance.
  5. Be patient with yourself – Unlearning survival patterns takes time. Celebrate small victories along the way.

A Tool for Your Journey

This connection between loss and vulnerability is rarely discussed but profoundly important.

That’s why I’ve created The POWER SHIFT Gaslighting Guide—a free resource to help you identify manipulation tactics and reclaim your power. This guide is especially valuable for those who have experienced significant loss and find themselves people-pleasing or doubting their own perceptions.
Inside, you’ll find:
  • A quick-reference glossary of manipulation tactics
  • Ready-made responses to shut down gaslighting
  • A daily power shift plan to rebuild your confidence
  • Step-by-step actions for healing from manipulation
Click here to download your free POWER SHIFT Gaslighting Guide

From Orphan to Advocate

My journey from a masked orphan to an authentic advocate for others wasn’t linear or easy. It required facing the very grief I’d spent decades avoiding. But on the other side of that pain was a clarity I couldn’t have imagined—about myself, about relationships, and about the subtle ways manipulation operates. Now I help others recognise when their grief has made them vulnerable and find their way back to their authentic power. Because the greatest tragedy isn’t losing loved ones—devastating as that is. The greatest tragedy is losing yourself in the aftermath.
What masks did your grief teach you to wear? And what might be possible if you allowed them to fall? Share your thoughts in the comments below or reach out privately if this resonates with you.
Remember: Your grief doesn’t define you, but how you process it can transform you.

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-Amanda

-High Conflict Separation & Recovery Expert